Chemicals In My Brain Are Liars

*Trigger warning* *Contains references to suicide*

This has been one of the most incredible weeks of my life.

I opened my heart to someone special. I did it without wanting anything in return, other than the desire for a more honest friendship.

I poemed the fucking shit™ out of people.

I grew closer to my daughter. 

A lifetime (almost 39 years) of performing for the validation of others is closing. I shaved my head to mark the milestone. 

I wake up in the morning and I’m happy with where my life is going. I take pleasure in my creativity. It’s where I’m at my happiest. When I’m writing my own story. 

This past week I have asked for what I want from people and I’ve done it respectfully. I’ve been firm but gentle. But the key breakthrough is that I’ve done it unapologetically. This didn’t happen overnight, I had to learn to do this, I had to give myself permission. 

As I began first drafting this, I was 4 hours away from turning 39. 

Without any warning, I turned suicidal.

Now let me preface this. I have ADHD and autism; I likely have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) too. I suffer from chronic depression and chronic anxiety. I have grappled with suicidal tendencies most of my life. 

You’d think I was prepared for this sudden suicidal turn? Not even close. 

This was one of the most violent suicidal mood swings I’ve felt since……shit….too many instances…but I remember one back in 2017….it was bad. So yeah, what I felt hours before my 39th birthday, it was the worst instance in almost 3 years. I had felt I’d banished such feelings, but no such luck this evening. 

It’s mad, there are so many suicidal turns I’ve taken in my life, but I find it fascinating that I’ve chosen the one in December 2017. I had just finished producing and project managing a music video for Eyes Open by Ty

This was a huge milestone for me. I had helped realise a music video for one of my favourite artists of all time. 

Just like the week preceding my 39th birthday, I reached a previously unexperienced peak moment in my life. Yet moments such as these are brought to an abrupt end with me shifting all of my energy and focus on fighting the urge to kill myself. 

I have to avoid the kitchen because it has knives. I have to hide my house keys so that I can’t go out and throw myself in front of oncoming traffic.

My solution to wanting to kill myself hours before I turn 39? I went to bed immediately. I can’t kill myself when I’m asleep. But also, when I’m asleep I can’t feel the sadness, despair, and pain.

That’s what suicide is. It’s a desire to turn the sadness, despair, and pain off. Permanently.

I went to bed and it helped. Early the next morning I got a message from a friend in Taiwan. She is a successful artist and grapples with mental health and suicidal ideation. She reminded me that I’m not alone and that I need to double down on my purpose. To inspire others with my art. 

She reminded me that the chemicals in my brain are liars. 

I’m here to remind you of this truth, just like my friend reminded me.

If you’re reading this, I appreciate you and I love you.

Thank you.

* The poemed the fucking shit™ is owned by the poet and writer Acafella

1 thought on “Chemicals In My Brain Are Liars”

  1. As a friend it’s hard to read some of this content however it’s great to see you using creativity to heal.

    Thanks for the shout out!

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