Choose Yourself

Trigger warning: References to sexual abuse

It’s May 13th, 20201.

Ramadan is over.

It’s Eid. I will NOT be celebrating it with other people. Specifically, I will not be celebrating it with family.

I have no desire to put myself in a situation where I have to interact with my abuser. A man who repeatedly sexually abused me when I was a teenager. I do not wish to interact with his enablers.

I’ve repressed memories of my abuse for years. Actually, I’ve repressed those memories for decades, to be precise.

Even when I began to acknowledge the abuse I experienced in my teenage years I made compromises.

I’d attend family gatherings where my abuser was present.

I’d interact with him.

Since 2017, I’ve been in therapy and I have realised I can’t make these compromises anymore. No more interactions.

When my marriage broke down in 2017 I even told my family about the abuse and the identity of my abuse. My father told me to “put it behind me”. It got swept under the carpet.

I even told various cousins. Yet, I’d get invited to get togethers where my abuser would be present.

So, today, despite fielding an avalanche of Eid Mubarak messages from relatives encouraging me to come visit, I’ve said no.

I choose to spend Eid on my own.

I choose myself.

6 thoughts on “Choose Yourself”

  1. Hey brother, apologies for the long absence here but its good to be back.

    Your attitude and strength here is inspirational. What you have been through is beyond any nightmare. I’m proud of how far you have come and how you have called this out for what it is instead of “putting it behind you”.

    All the strength to you brother, you move forward with deep wisdom alongside a wonderful heart… while he stagnates, riddled with evil that will never leave.

    You chose yourself brother. what a perfect choice.

  2. Good for you, Haroon. Choosing yourself over toxic people – especially abusers and enabling family – is hard. But worth it. Sending love and respect.

  3. Good on You! My respect you have because I know too well that it takes courage… A big caring heart… That knows when enough is enough!

  4. Hey Haroon, a great piece to write. Exposing truth especially like this, enables the trauma to start dissipating from the body and hopefully lays in the conscience of the perpetrator. You will begin to enjoy the freedom.

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