Notes on Grief

It’s been a strange week. 

Once again I’ve been playing hide and seek with grief.

It is my big bro Ty’s birthday week. Last night it was his birthday and I celebrated his birthday at a gig held in his honour. It was attended by his fans, friends, family.

Grief isn’t linear.

Grief has no timeline.

Last night was definitely one of the most complicated nights I’ve experienced since Ty’s death. 

At times I cried some of the most bitter tears I’ve cried in a long time over my big bro’s passing. 

At other times my heart was overflowing with love and joy because of his music and the musical tributes done where his touring band performed the music for his songs. 

Shit, my eyes are fucking welling up as I write this. 

One of my friends reached out to me after Ty’s death and told me that the pain I feel and tears I shed, they are not just because of the absence of a loved one, but they are evidence of the presence of love. The love I experienced from Ty and the love I felt for him as a brother. It wasn’t until last night that I truly understood what my friend was trying to tell me.

Last night, I looked around the room. Granted many like myself were hurting. But despite that, the room was full of love. 

I was surrounded by love.

I grew up in an abusive and dysfunctional household utterly devoid of love. 

But as I looked around the room, I realised that I was surrounded by so many people who show me love. 

Ty’s legacy wasn’t just the music he created. 

For me personally? He was my family and he gave me a big extended family. A family that carried me in the wake of my tumultuous divorce as I finally found my feet and began to rebuild and reinvent myself. 

A family that I share the burden of grief with. 

A family that I share moments of joy with. 

A family with which to Pass The Torch. 

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